withdraw the hand for fear of breaking upon her self-gathered condition. It was on account of her trance that the blessing hour used to stretch even up to midnight before it was over. Incidentally I may mention here that before all this that I have narrated just above, the Mother used to come down to the meditation hall the evening before the Darshan day to bless us all and also at 5 a.m. on the Darshan day. I do not recollect the exact period during which the two blessing hours used to take place. Needless to say both the occasions were as always most delectable for us.
My elder sister Amiya came here on a visit in September 1930 with her two sons Bula and Kunal. They were lodged in a house on the sea front specially hired for them for three months. I remember the Mother walked all the way from Dilip's house along the strand by the sea to have a look at the house, we came with her too. This was before their arrival. The Mother came twice to this house on being specially requested by my sister meanwhile Nolina the sister next to Amiya had come to the same house with her son. The house was rented from September to November as the sisters with their sons were to leave at the end of the period. When the Mother heard of their impending departure, she came to see them a few days before. That day as she was looking at the sea from a window she suddenly said "It is better not to be on the sea now". Amiya too was undecided as to what to do when the Mother herself suggested that they leave on the 1st January next year. On being told that the house had to be vacated on the tenure of lease being over, she made all arrangements for them to be lodged in one of the Ashram houses. Amiya thus came to stay with me at the Savary House (It is renamed Huta House now), in the south room of the first floor. Bula and Kunal were lodged in the Guest House also on a first floor room. This house is now a boarding for children called Dortoir. I well remember the day on which Amiya and her sons were to set sail for Burma originally: there came a tremendous cyclone. It was a catastrophic storm uprooting many trees and razing houses to the ground, many roofs of houses were blown away. We could hardly keep our doors and windows shut, the bolts being useless, such was the fury of the storm it was quite a battle that we waged against the storm to keep the door and windows closed but with partial success and as a result our rooms were flooded with incoming rain. I have never before witnessed such a terrible storm. After the storm had abated Nolini and Amrita all wrapped in blankets came to Amiya's house sent by the Mother to find out how she and her sons were faring they were even then in the rented house on the sea front. When the storm broke I was at Dilip's. As I tried to return hurriedly to my house I could hardly walk on the street, the force of the wind was pushing me towards the sea, that was the direction in which the wind was blowing to. With a lot of difficulty on arriving I felt a great danger had swept over .me. Later I came to learn that during the storm Sri Aurobindo was in his room with all the doors and windows wide open but he was merged deep in his work heedless of what was happening all around.
Amiya with her sons left as arranged on the 1st of January after receiving the New Years's Blessings. They returned in January 1932, Nolina too came with them. On that occasion too they were lodged in Budi House on the sea front.
My elder sister Aruna arrived here in April with her two infant sons. They were lodged in the same house then but were shifted to another house close to the Ashram main building. This too was a hired house, and in those days was named 'Vigie House', now it has been renamed Jhun Jhun Boarding. One remembers that in those days Nolini and Amrita used to come to this house in the evenings at the request of my sisters. From them we used to hear of the happenings of the early days of their life with Sri Aurobindo and the Mother. Those evenings became memorable as they related many incidents connected with the Mother and SriAurobindo, very enjoyable too were these talks. It was from Nolini we heard how Sri Aurobindo avoiding detection came by boat all the way from Calcutta to Pondicherry. Another very amusing incident we heard was how Amrita's tuft of hair, emblem of his brahminhood, was done away with by plying deft a pair of scissors. Then we heard also the incident of how pieces of brickbats used to be showered in the room although the doors and windows were closed all the time? materializing from thin air as it were a fascinating tale that we heard with rapt attention. From Nolini we heard of their fiery revolutionary days centering round the garden house at Muraripukoor; the day of the police raid and the search. Then the story of their famous trial also how a revolver was passed to them secretly and used to kill Noren Goswami who had treacherously turned an approver. We heard as well their association with Sri Aurobindo in jail, the manner of their spending their days in prison. In this way we came to know of the true happenings of those days that had often come to us garbled in fantastic dressings.
All that we did in those days was done after informing the Mother. The root idea of Sri Aurobindo's Yoga is to consecrate all of oneself to the Mother. It is she who would do in one whatever she decided in her own way. Thus we too could hardly dream of doing anything or meeting anyone or going out anywhere without informing her. To behave in this way, to order our day to day life, gave us an inner joy, the taste of which was quite of another sort. As an illustration I may cite here a letter of Sri Aurobindo in the matter of the visit of a relative of mine evidently I had asked for his directions. This is what he wrote: "As for your inner attitude it must remain the same. Not to be excited or drawn to outward life by the coming of a new element is the rule; they must come in like waves into an untroubled sea and mix in it and become themselves untroubled and serene.... You must remain vigilant always. For when the condition is good the lower movements have a habit of subsiding and become quiescent, hiding as it were, or they go out of the nature and remain at a distance. But if they see that the sadhaka is losing his vigilance, then they slowly begin to rise or draw nearer, most often unseen, and when he is quite off his guard, surge up suddenly or make a sudden irruption. This continues until the nature, mental, vital, physical down to the very subcontinent is enlightened, conscious, full of the Divine. Till that happens one must always remain watchful in a sleepless vigilance." (26-5-1932)
The Mother and Sri Aurobindo had explained to us in minute detail without sparing themselves the time needed to do so that nothing is negligible or trash. With what insistence did they teach us to realise that nothing whatsoever happens without an inner meaning and cause, time after time by removing the covering veil of our outer consciousness. Once I wrote to Sri Aurobindo thus:
"Lord Sri Aurobindo,
You have written to point out to me that my physical consciousness has the habit of responding to illnesses. How am I to become conscious of that which I am not even aware? I can only understand that I do not want them, or, often I have remarked how much harm they do to me. That is why I would like to know how I could become conscious in this regard. How to understand it all? If you will please let me know I could try to follow the method." He replied:
"To get rid of that one must awaken a will and consciousness in the body itself that refuses to allow these things to impose themselves upon it. But to get that, still more to get it completely is difficult. One step towards it is to get the inner consciousness separate from the body to feel that it is not you who are ill but it is only something taking place in the body and affecting your consciousness. It is then possible to see this separate body consciousness, what it feels, what are its reactions to things, how it works. One can then act on it to change its consciousness and reaction."
Many were the questions put to the Mother and Sri Aurobindo and they were of various kinds; they were asked to clearly understand if there were any doubts or difficulties and as long as they were not made clear the mind was not tranquil. Sri Aurobindo too not only answered them but did so in great detail and at length till there remained nothing obscure and he dwelt on each point with great care. As an example I am quoting here a letter of his in answer to mine. I asked: "If I saw some one attacking the Truth and exalting falsehood then what should be the attitude of the sadhaka? Would it be proper to remain indifferent maintaining a yogic equality or take up arms against the falsehood in support of the Truth?" This letter was the outcome of a letter I had read where the Mother and Sri Aurobindo were the target of attack. Needless to say I was very annoyed. A feeling of disgust had spread over my mind and I felt that I should have no truck with such people. The mind, however, felt: should one take such a drastic step? I had asked another sadhak who was very firm to indicate that we should never compromise in this regard. Sri Aurobindo wrote in answer:
"No doubt hatred and cursing are not the proper attitude. It is true that to look upon all things, and all people with a calm and clear vision, to be uninvolved and impartial in one's judgment is a quite proper yogic attitude. A condition of perfect samatÄ can be established in which one sees all as equal, friends and enemies included, and is not disturbed by what men do or by what happens. The question is whether this is all that is demanded from us. If so, then the general attitude will be one of a neutral indifference to everything. But the Gita which strongly insists on a perfect and absolute samatÄ goes on to say, 'Fight, destroy the adversary, conquer.' If there is no kind of general action wanted, no loyalty to Truth as against Falsehood except for one's personal sadhana, no will for the Truth to conquer, then the samatÄ of indifference will suffice. But here there is a work to be done, a Truth to be established against which immense forces are arrayed, invisible forces which can use visible things and persons and actions for their instruments. If one is among the disciples, the seeker of this Truth, one has to take sides for the Truth, to stand against the forces that attack it and seek to stifle it. Arjuna wanted not to stand for either side, to refuse any action of hostility even to the assailants. Sri Krishna, who insisted so much on samatÄ, strongly rebuked his attitude and insisted on his fighting the adversary, 'Have samatÄ,' he said, 'and seeing clearly the Truth, fight.' Therefore to take sides with the Truth and to refuse to concede anything to the falsehood that attacks, to be unflinchingly loyal and against the hostiles and the attackers, is not inconsistent with equality. It is the personal and egoistic feeling that has to be thrown away; hatred and vital ill-will have to be rejected. But loyalty and refusal to compromise with the assailant and the hostile or to dally with their idea and demands and say, 'After all we can compromise with what they ask from us,' or to accept them as companions and our -own people these things have a great importance. If the attack were a physical menace to the Mother and the work and the Ashram, one would see this at once. But because the attack is of a subtler kind, can a passive attitude be right? It is a. spiritual battle inward and outward by neutrality and Compromise or even passivity one may allow the enemy forces to pass and crush down the Truth and its children. If you look at this point "you will see that if the inner spiritual equality is right, the active loyalty and firm taking of sides which Y. insists on is as right; and the two cannot be incompatible.
"I have of course treated it as a general question apart from all particular cases or personal question. It is a principle of action that has to be seen in its right light and proportion." (13-9-1936)
One day all on a sudden I was plunged into a heated discussion. The matter for contention was the 'mind'. The others were of the opinion that the 'mind' has the capacity to discriminate between truth and falsehood, big and small, valuable
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and worthless etc. It is the 'mind' that is able to differentiate between belief and blind faith, truth and untruth. I could not quite accept this and was thinking of what the Mother and Sri Aurobindo have said that it is the psychic being that alone is able to see correctly. On this I wrote to Sri Aurobindo and asked his opinion. I reproduce here a portion of my letter to him: "I don't believe that it is our mind that helps us to know the truth from the falsehood and so on, but our true being, our psychic, that helps us to know things, it is when the mind is influenced by the psychic consciously or unconsciously that the true discrimination can come, otherwise if the physical mind is left alone, however great it is, it always confuses things, and prevents them being seen in the true way." (The italics was done by Sri Aurobindo)
He wrote: "To see the Truth does not depend on a big intellect or a small intellect. It depends on being in contact with the Truth, and the mind silent and quiet to receive it. The biggest intellect can make errors of worst kind and confuse Truth and falsehood if they have not the contact with the Truth or the direct experience."
From these letters of questions and answers some indications of our way of life may be had, as perhaps some angles are discernible, although that our outward life is different from the inner root may not be quite easily grasped. It, however, matters little if it is not seen. The wish to write about the Mother and Sri Aurobindo is a joyful thing. The very first thing that strikes one wanting to write of all that we have received from them, if it is at all truly possible, is can one really weigh all that, or can it be possibly compared with anything else acquired in life? Or have we the necessary command of language to give it a real shape or even the capacity to do so? This only I know that to recount these sacred happenings the heart overflows with gratitude to feel their presence and their boundless compassion for us. The opportunity to write of them brings this satisfaction.
There was a time when I was ailing a great deal from
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insomnia. Night after night, even day after day of effort was of no avail to close the eyelids in sleep. The Mother and Sri Aurobindo too were thinking much about it, doing all they could by pouring an endless affection in their letters. I can never forget the day when I had gone to meet the Mother. The soft soothing look she gave me, how deeply compassionate was that wonderful gaze! After a while in the softest of voices looking into my eyes, she said very sweetly, "You want to sleep?" With these words my eyes became filled with tears blurring my vision. This was not all, as the next day I got the following letter from Sri Aurobindo: "Mother said you looked rather thin and pulled down. Is it only the absence of sleep or are you eating too little? You said you had hunger if so you ought to eat well because underfeeding is not good for the nerves."
Once this ailment of sleeplessness persisted very much and as a result Sri Aurobindo suggested that some medical treatment may be made use of. I, however, took this advice wrongly and was adamantly against any such imagining that he meant to keep me away from his influence. A perusal of the following letter of Sri Aurobindo will clearly show my wrong interpretation and reaction. His letter was so full of compassion.
"It was precisely out of solicitude for you, because the suffering of insomnia and the spasms had been excessive, that I proposed to you to take the help of treatment. This is a fact of my experience that when the resistance in the body is too strong and persistent, it can help to take some aid of physical means that as an instrumentation for the Force to work more directly on the body itself; for the body then feels itself supported against the resistance from both sides, by means both physical as well as supraphysical. The Mother's force can work through both together. It is surprising that you should take my suggestion in this way as if it meant an abandonment and refusal to help you! But it is still more surprising that you should have taken Mother's smile at pranam for
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sarcasm! The only thing she put in it was an insistence for the cloud that she saw covering the body consciousness and interfering with its receptivity to light. You must not allow this clouding attack to come between your mind and the Mother. Reject this distorting suggestion and keep its openness so that it may help to reopen up a full receptivity in the material body also. If you do not like to take any treatment, I will try to manage without that, if you keep me informed everyday without fail, even on those days you feel relieved till all trace of the attack is over". (1.9.36)
I have seen many images of such variegated cloudiness of the mind they will be apparent from Sri Aurobindo's letter. One such was as follows:
"There is nothing to be discouraged about. The fact is that after being so long in the mental and vital plane you have become aware of the physical consciousness; and the physical consciousness in everybody is like this. It is inert, conservative, does not want to move, to change, it clings to its habits (what people call their character) or its habits (habitual movements) cling to it and repeat themselves (like a clock working on a persistent mechanical way). When you have cleared your vital somewhat, things go down and stick there, you see, if you have become self-conscious, you put pressure perhaps, but the physical responds very slowly, hardly at first seems to move at all. The remedy? Aspiration steady and unchanging, patient work, coalescing the psychic in the physical. Calling down the light and force into these obscure parts. The light brings the consciousness of what is there; the force has to follow and work on them till they change or disappear."
And another.
"I see that you have not sent your book, nor any letter and I am told that you did not come for pranam. Are you then determined to reject us and our help and shut yourself up in your despondency?
"But what is the reason for so violent a change? The Mother
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and myself at least have not changed towards you and the causes you alleged for feeling otherwise are so small and trifling that they could not support any such idea once you looked at them straight.
"There remains the difficulty of your sadhana. But you have had much more violent difficulties and downfalls and recovered from them and found your way clearer. Why should now a recrudescence of certain movement which you yourself say was slight or the sense of the difficulty of overcoming egoism (which everybody feels and not yourself) lead to such persistence in despair and turning away from help and light?
"I hope that you will gather yourself together, make an effort and get out of this groove quickly into the joy and love of the Divine which you had before. On our side nothing is changed the love and the help are there as before and I hope you will feel them behind these few lines."
On reading this letter everything disappeared, washed away by my tears.
Often a remark such as this is heard: all those who are in the Ashram are they all fit for this yoga?
I brought this to Sri Aurobindo's notice and said what I thought about it. Sri Aurobindo replied: "What you say about whom we receive that if one part of them sincerely desires the Divine we give them their chance is quite true. If we demanded more at the beginning, exceedingly few would be able to commence the journey towards the Divine." (2.4.35)
Usually while writing to the Mother or Sri Aurobindo it was in English. At times that what was meant could not be properly expressed in English and I used to write in Bengali, within brackets I used to ask what it would be in English, Sri Aurobindo used to translate the exact words and placed them above each Bengali word.
Here I quote a few of such remarkable translations: I wrote: Let me grow into the true consciousness and the veil of darkness that still keeps you separate from me drop down, and with your light let my temple become " 'agleam with light and radiant and may the downpour of the rays of the Light remove all veil of division in me and may I find you within me in your complete self-revelation.' " One more: " I feel now the inexpressible sweetness of that which is beyond description forming between you and me. It is such a satisfying experience."' (The words within " ' ' " are Sri Aurobindo's translations.)
There was a period when the Mother used to go on to the terrace and remain there for sometime, this she did nearly everyday in the evening. I recount here what occurred one day and wrote to the Mother. "Recently I notice that when you come down from the terrace in the evenings you stand for a longer time and I feel just at that time you give us something special, so 1 also concentrate to receive and feel what you give; but this evening suddenly I saw your physical body had disappeared, there was no sign of your body, then again in a few seconds your figure reappeared. I felt at that moment that" 'you became merged in the sky (ether?) and became one with all things." '
On this Sri Aurobindo wrote: "The Mother makes an invocation or aspiration and stands till the movement is over. Yesterday she passed for sometime beyond the sense of the body! and it is perhaps this that made you see in that way."
My mistakes in English used to be corrected by Sri Aurobindo, it was at my coaxing that he took this trouble in spite of his being so pressed for time. It seems to those who deal with the heaven, the earth and the nether regions even a grain of sand on the seashore is not insignificant!
The Mother and Sri Aurobindo came to me as Guru although I hardly understood at first what and how much is meant by the word "Guru". Slowly and much later I saw them installed in the temple of my life as my God and Beloved they are that to me and I know no more nor do I wish to know.
In 1934 a proposal was made to translate into Bengali the "Six Poems" of Sri Aurobindo and offer them to him printed in a small booklet.
Six sadhaks were to translate those six poems. It was Nolini who asked me to try one of them. The other five chosen were Nolini, Suresh Chakravarti, Anilbaran Roy, Dilip and Behari Barua. The one I was asked to try was "In Horis Aeternum", a difficult poem, and I was in doubt if it could be done by me. Yet I was rather reluctant to let go such a lucky opportunity. Depending on the force from the Mother and Sri Aurobindo, I agreed. On being asked, Sri Aurobindo too approved of it. With a great enthusiasm I began the translation. At nearly every step I was asking Sri Aurobindo much about the poem. I am quoting here a few of the diminutive letters. I wrote to Sri Aurobindo: "I am in great difficulty with your poem In Horis Aeternum'. Many say it is a very difficult poem seemingly impossible to translate, quite a few have made an essay but have failed. It is only Nolini who supports me from another angle and that is, it is always beneficial to try. We are all quite aware that the poem is a difficult one, yet I have set myself to do it not depending wholly on my power or ability but depending fully on your help and inspiration with this idea that as I am relying on the force of one who can turn something impossible into a possibility," it may come to fruition! Moreover to be able to feel and give a form to your expressions brings in its wake a great satisfaction and joy. I have, however, translated four lines tentatively which will be much changed as I go on. Dilip has already seen them but he does not seem to think as if they will do, for he says, 'It is hardly anything at all, they will have to be recast all over'. I am quite prepared to do them over again but I am still uncertain as to what it would be. Do you, too, think that this poem is truly untranslatable, if so then please tell me as much, and I too shall not cling to an impossibility."
Sri Aurobindo's reply: "The poem is not at all easy to translate but one cannot say that it is impossible, one can always try provided one is prepared not to mind if it is a failure or a half-success. To try sometimes even impossible things can be a very good training for the capacity."
I wrote again: "No one can hope to come to a par with the original while translating some works of the Mother's or yours. Still is it not adequate enough to come as near as possible assimilating the inspiration from you maintaining the thought and movement generally?"
sri aurobindo: "Yes. A complete equivalent is not likely but something approximate can be done."
self: "One thing more, I have begun the work in blank verse. Dilip strongly objects saying 'how can it be done without rhyme?' Are you, too, of the same opinion?"
sri aurobindo: "If it can be done in rhyme so much the better as the original is in rhyme. But if not, it can be tried in blank verse. The form will not be so near, but to keep something of the movement may not be impossible."
self: "Lord Sri Aurobindo, I have begun it anew and in rhyme this time. I find it difficult but very enjoyable. There is a strong urge and I am putting all my ability into it. Even now the first four lines are not to my satisfaction I can feel the movement but the words to express it are still eluding. Thus I am not satisfied yet with the result. Something has been done in the 'yogic rhyme' in long lines. Nolini remarks that it is slightly heavy and consequently I am changing again. I am still unable to find the right words in Bengali to express "unchangeable monotone". H. has come and given a few good suggestions and he feels very pleased about it. Normally they are beautiful but somehow somewhere they do not seem to bring out that grandeur, that restrained note is missed, missed too that solemnity. Please enlighten me and inspire me as well. Let me try some more. I would like a little clarification here:
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Over its head like a gold ball the sun tossed by the gods in their play
Follows its curve...
This second 'its means the sun, does it not? At least that is what it seems to me.
sri aurobindo: "It is the sun's own curve."
self : "Whether I am able to do your poem or not, I nevertheless feel transported with joy. I feel a constant contact with you the consciousness is ever turned upward. That is why I have set myself to do it. If you would say so, I could send you the little bit done, as a sample, as then you can see if it will pass muster.
sri aurobindo: "Yes, you can send."
And the sample was sent.
Sri Aurobindo's remark on the sample: "You have given an excellent start."
self: "Lord Sri Aurobindo, will you pray explain this bit to me as I don't get it correctly 'Something that waits, something that wonders and settles not, a nothing that was all and is found.'this underlined portion
Sri Aurobindo replied to me in Bengali (translated here):
"The inner thought is this 'a something inexpressible as if it is nothing, inexistent, yet that is all, everything is in it, it is not there, yet can be found; further when this is found everything has been found. I don't know if I have made it clear."
self: "Lord Sri Aurobindo, I am in no way satisfied with the translation of the last line of your poem. Something is missing somewhere. I am trying hard and changing some. Dilip insists on further change and is helping a lot the last three words as changed by Dilip are being sent here, please go over them. If they meet with your approval, and the change by Dilip is better, then they will be accepted."
sri aurobindo: "I cannot say that I approved of either of Dilip's last three words or of any of the other alterations suggested by N. All seem to miss the mark."
The poem after many alterations later did come to stand. Dilip worked a great deal with me on this translation. Without his help and Nolini's ardent enthusiasm perhaps this poem that seemed impossible would not have been made possible. When the poem was at last done Dilip wrote a letter to Sri Aurobindo. This episode will be closed here with Dilip's letter and Sri Aurobindo's answer to it. It will be well understood from these letters with how much of patience and in how many ways Sri Aurobindo has taught us all these things with his help.
Dilip wrote: "I feel the last verse makes clear meaning anyway, but since Sahana is not pleased with it and she has been labouring at it for days, I think I may have mistaken your meaning. Doubtless, the 'something' I could not keep is, I took it to mean, that the passing movement reflects the Eternal when "caught by the spirit in sense". Tell me therefore 0 Lord, I must stop. Dilip." Sri Aurobindo wrote to Dilip: "I think it is a very fine rendering. For line 4, however, I would not say that there is not today as a movement of time but only to the noon, the day as sunlit space rather than time, it is the fixed moment as it were, the motionless scene of noon. The eye is of course the sun itself, I mark by the dash that I have finished with my first symbol of the gold ball and go off to a second quite different one. In the last line your translation is indeed very clear and precise in meaning, but it is perhaps too precise the 'something' twice repeated is meant to give a sense of just the opposite, an imprecise, unseizable something which is at once nothing and all things at a time. It is found no doubt in the momentary things and all is there, but the finding is less definite than your translation suggests. But the expression nasti rÅpe silo se sarvasti is very good.
One point more, 'caught by a spirit in sense' means there is a spirit in sense (sense not being sense alone) that catches (the eternal out of the perishable hours in these things."
At one period I set myself to writing a lot of poems, this
may be called a bright period of poetry. Many were they who wrote Nolini Gupta, Suresh Chakravarty had been doing so for many years even Anilbaran Roy was found writing. Dilip and Nishikanta had increased their tempo, even Behari Barua, Jotin Das of Chittagong were at it. Nirod's niece Jyotirmala (she was called Jyotirmoye before) began writing after her coming here and did remarkably well. Nirod too got down to it and was flowering out. Even from my youthful days I had put my hand to composing poems but it was always when I felt the urge and again for quite long periods I did nothing. Anil Bhatta was also at it. Amal Kiran (K. D. Sethna) wrote in English which he has been doing very well even before but here his poetry took a different turn. Arjava (Chadwick) began here and soon became a renowned poet, leaving behind a lot of his work that was brought out in book form after his death. Romen, although a youngster, began in English and was doing well. Nolini, Dilip, Nirod wrote in English as well as in Bengali perhaps Anilbaran also was in this group. Nolini, versatile linguist that he is, wrote poems in French too. Harin Chattopadhyay came with his genius and wrote a large number of poems and did most of them at his typewriter. He was, however, a recognised poet. Sri Aurobindo has spoken much about his poems in his book "Future Poetry" and elsewhere too. Nishikanta began writing while he was at Shantiniketan and his extraordinary genius began to show itself even there, but here his poetry reached a level quite other than where it was before. Sri Aurobindo has been profuse in high praise of his poetry.
We, Jyotirmala, Nirodbaran, Anil Bhatta, Amiya and myself, began to learn poetics from Dilip, who had then attained a good mastery over the subject. It was from Dilip that I learnt a particular kind of Sanskrit rhyming. Dilip and Nishikanta were experimenting with Sanskritic metre and rhyme that they toiled to introduce into Bengali poetry I believe they have succeeded in doing so.
Jyotirmala, Nirod, Anil Bhatta and myself used to sit down to write daily at a fixed hour calling down Sri Aurobindo's force with prayers to him, as we tried to make this too as a limb of our sadhana. With what enthusiasm we aspired to water the very roots of our poetry with the inspiration cascading down from Sri Aurobindo! We, all of us, were moving together with the sole and sincere effort towards progress through poetry. A new taste in writing was ours aided by a constant impetus from Sri Aurobindo. Every poem written was eagerly submitted for Sri Aurobindo's perusal and with a greater eagerness we were waiting to receive his comment brought by Nolini the next morning. It was Nolini's job to distribute to everyone letters from Sri Aurobindo. By 7 a.m. we got our letters. His comments, "good", "fine" or occasionally "very beautiful" were hailed with joy filling our efforts to the brim. All these were fresh experiences and delightful feelings. We often asked for not only his comments but his suggestions also and whenever a suggestion was due he rarely failed to give it. When several expressions giving the same idea were put before him for the better choice, he indicated them with such remarks as "On the whole this seems to me better".
We were as it were moulded by hand to learn from him. We probed not only into poetic thoughts but also into rhyme and metre, the intricacies of these made the taste more and more delectable to write and read poetry. Dabbling in metre and rhyme I suddenly found a closed door writing English poems open and many lines began to form and this I could hardly believe. My knowledge of English is hardly worth mentioning and yet the following lines came as if by themselves:
"Mother, in my deep heart I find
A jewel shines amidst the night,
When all the mortal senses are blind
It speaks to the stars of unknown height
"Mother, a flower of eternity
Unfolds its petals within my soul.
I sing to the light that unveils to me
The crystal tower, your shining goal.
"Mother, in my precious secret spot,
I am nestled on your breast alone
Where all my pasts are gathered and brought
Before the dream of your opening dawn."
When these lines came to me our correspondence with Sri Aurobindo had stopped, so Nirod was entrusted with it to be shown to Sri Aurobindo, who corrected and re-cast it as below:
Mother! deep in my heart I find
A jewel glimmering in the night,
When every mortal sense is blind
It speaks to stars of unknown height
Mother! a love-flame swift and sweet
Swaying along the path of gold,
It rises to your heavenly feet
Where sun and moon and stars you mould.
Mother! the flower of eternity
Unfolds its petals in my soul,
I sing to its light that unveils to me
A crystal tower, your shining gold.
Mother! in a lonely secret spot
I am cradled on your breast alone
When all of me is gathered, brought
Into your dream of opening Dawn.
It will be appropriate to mention another incident here. It was the period when I was working with the 'Building Service', superintending the work of masons, carpenters and others. One day the house called "Nanteuil" was being whitewashed. I was sitting and keeping a watch on the work when I heard within a line like a refrain continually coming 'Travels from height to height unseen', I could not make it out at first because in spite of my repeated pushing it away it did not stop coming before my mind's eye. Then I got hold of a piece of paper and went on writing the whole thing. That piece of paper is now lost, perhaps the result of negligence, but I have the other piece where Sri Aurobindo did the correction. It is thus:
"An emerald soul of peaks within
Travels from height to height unseen;
The shadow of the Infinite falls on earth's pain
A golden desire, a heavenly rain!
Transcendent of Time's moment's power
Come encircling the eternal hour.
The sun above the moon below
Unheard footfalls come soft and slow,
A bell rings from Eternity.
Whirling the Almighty's power, She
Creates a land of blue and white
Within the smoke and doze of night:
She comes in her golden robe of fire
To release God-music from earth's lyre."
A few days later as I sat down to write at the usual hour a poem in Bengali began to come in whose meaning was escaping my understanding. It was mysterious, since Bengali is my mother-tongue and yet I could understand nothing. So I tore it to pieces and got up. But every time I took up the pen the same poem came repeatedly and this went on for six days. At last quite exasperated I spoke to Nirod thus: "I don't know what's happening. Whenever I sit down to write there comes in this one and only poem that I can make no head or tail of and I do not want to write it for the same reason. And I am continually throwing it into the waste paper basket. What do you think I should do ?
Nirod asked: "What sort of lines? Can you recall a few lines?"
The lines had impressed themselves upon my memory as they were being repeated themselves for the last six days. So I recited the lines. On hearing them Nirod said "Are you sure this is not a mystic poem, Sahanadi ? I seem to feel they are mystic lines coming to you. Don't throw them away. Please write down the whole of it and I will show them to Sri Aurobindo."
So it was written down and given to Nirod. While writing it gave me a good deal of pleasure although it was not intelligible. Nirod, as he returned after showing the poem to Sri Aurobindo, said before I could ask, "Sri Aurobindo said after reading the poem 'If Sahana throws away this sort of inspiration, then what kind of inspiration can I give her?' " The meaning that Sri Aurobindo gave to the lines not only left me "astonished but I was stupified to think how it was possible that through my pen matters of unseen worlds could be expressed. Nirod encouraged me to go on writing even if nothing was understood. I too kept myself at it for some time. At times a word here. or there would come that I had never heard of before. So I looked them up in a dictionary or asked someone to find out if such words did really exist. There came a poem that when read seemed to indicate that I was a great pundit of the Bengali language. Later there dawned upon my eye of consciousness the image of Shiva although the poem was still unintelligible and a great feeling of satisfaction was pervading in me as I wrote. After I had completed I took it to Nolini who can not only penetrate into the meaning but likes mystic poetry. He said that it was a poem on Shiva. Nirod took it to Sri Aurobindo who also said it was Shiva and related to the higher regions beyond my comprehension. I dare not put here all that Sri Aurobindo said. However, after writing some mystic poems it became clear to me that no mystic poem can be written by any mental effort; nor can it be corrected, as the words come they have to be put down on paper accurately; moreover, if any change is needed that too comes in like manner and no mental effort is called for. For, what a mystic poem wants to reveal is not known ordinarily, the mind cannot reach it. The only thing the intellect can do is to become a docile instrument. This became very clear to me after several attempts. Mystic poems create an atmosphere of their own and the language made use of often hides the inner meaning under a shroud of mysterious words. It seems that the words can reveal an infinity of messages replete with boundless knowledge, the more one can go deep within the more light they shed seemingly withholding much more as one goes on into its depth.
Nolini translated one of my mystic poems, and with that let me close the chapter of mystic poems.
The first tremor of the Light, lo the dream-journey
Night's desire is now appeased, she feels the Sun within her,
The Mother of Infinity holds in her bosom her first guest:
The call awakes in the lotus-scented senses!
On the far shore where moves the Fiery Wheel
Rose, unheeded, the cry of the Spaces
It spread and enveloped even our shadowy horizons:
A golden vision flutters on earth's eye-lids, As the flaming spider weaves his luminous web around himself!
The Bard wheels onward in his sweeping march:
He gathers in perfect rhythm the soul's obeissances,
Urges secreted in the heart of the sun-flower,
Hymns limned in her petalled gold!
Darkness massed on darkness has burst all on a sudden:
Eyes once closed open to the Lightning's flare!
Once I asked Sri Aurobindo if song and poetry were akin to each other. This was his answer:
"No, a song is not a kind of poem; or need not be. There are some very good songs which are not poems at all. In Europe, song-writers or the writers of the librettos of the great operas are not classed among poets. In Asia the attempt to combine song-quality with poetic value has been more common, but this is not essential. In ancient Greece also lyric poetry was often composed with a view to being set to music. But still poetry and song-writing, though they can be combined, are two different arts.
"The difference is not that poetry has to be understood and music or singing felt {anubhūti). If you only understand the intellectual content of a poem, its words and ideas, you a have not really appreciated the poem at all. And a poem which contains only that and nothing else, is not true poetry. A true poem contains something else which has to be felt just as you feel music and that is its more important and essential part. It has first, a rhythm, just as music has, though of a different kind, and it is the rhythm that helps this something else to come out through the medium of words. The words by themselves do not carry it or cannot bring it out altogether, and this is shown by the fact that the same words written in a different order and without rhythm or without the proper rhythm would not at all move or impress you in the same way. This something else is an inner content or suggestion, a soul-feeling or a soul-experience, or vital feeling or life experience, a mental emotion, vision or experience (not merely an idea) and it is only if you can catch this and reproduce the experience in yourself, then you have got what the poem can give you, not otherwise.
"The real difference between a poem and a song is that a song is written with a view to being set to musical rhythm and a poem is written with a view to poetic rhythm or word music. These two rhythms are quite different. That is why a poem cannot be set to music unless it has either been written with an eye to both kinds of rhythms or else happens to have (without specially intending it) a movement which makes it easy or at least possible to set it to music. This happens often with lyrical poetry, less often with other kinds. There is also this usual character of a song that it is satisfied to be very simple in its content, bringing out a single idea or feeling, and leaving it to the music to develop it; but this is not always done." (4.7.31)
The French litterateur and poet Maurice Magre was coming. I was busy embroidering a curtain for the big door of the Mother's room on the design submitted by Sanjiban, one of the best artists in the Ashram. The old French houses of Pondicherry have large doors and windows. Conseqently the curtain too was large.
I had gone to ask the Mother about some points as regards the curtain when, after a moment's reflection, she asked, "Maurice Magre is expected, do you think you will be able to finish the curtain before his arrival? There are still three months in hand." Guessing her intention, I said enthusiastically, "Yes, Mother, most certainly." Mother was very pleased and blessed me, I too made my obeissance. She gave me a big red rose, signifying "All passion turned into love for the Divine." This gave me further impetus to finish the curtain in time, cost what it may. Mentally working it out, it seemed that to finish the curtain within three months would entail a work of eleven to twelve hours a day, which I put in, but strange to say I never felt tired even after such long hours of work. The work was intricate and extensive a very thick trunk of a tree spreading proportionate branches mounting upwards, on a branch towards the top a white peacock looking down and on a lower branch another white peacock gazing up towards the other bird. The size
Sri Aurobindo
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Sri Aurobindo