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Letters to “My little smile”

 

Mother,
Today also I worked all day on the sari. Sometimes
I become a naughty child, don’t I, Mother?

Not naughty, poor little one, only a little sad, and that distresses
me, for I would like to see you always full of light and joy.

26 January 1934

*

Mother,
I know that there are beautiful things in my little
heart. There are bad things too, as You know, Mother

— I have told You about them.

But this little heart is full of love. Mother, we are
going to burn all the bad things in this little heart. Then
in my heart there will only be a very, very sweet love for
You alone.

What you have written here is very beautiful and it is also very
true. The beautiful things are far stronger than the ugly ones
and they will surely win the victory. I am with you always, in
the struggle and in the victory.

29 January 1934

*

Mother,

This morning X showed me the pink blouse she has
embroidered with silver thread. This blouse is very, very
beautiful. The sari too will be the most beautiful one in
Your collection of saris embroidered by us.

Before seeing X’s blouse I used to think that my
bird-of-paradise8 sari was very beautiful; but now that

The Mother’s name for the Tiger-claw plant, Heliconia metallica.


I have seen this blouse, I find that the bird-of-paradise

sari is nothing compared to the one X is preparing.

That is not true; each has its own particular beauty and style.
The bird-of-paradise is a very beautiful sari.

Her blouse is truly the most beautiful one.

I cannot say whether it is the most beautiful or not. Each of
the embroidered saris has its own beauty; but it is true that this
blouse is very beautiful.

30 January 1934

*

Mother,

I once told You that if someone made something
beautiful for You we ought to be happy, no matter who
made it, myself or someone else; I mean that upon seeing
a very beautiful thing someone has made for You, one
ought to be very happy, and all those who love my sweet
Mother will naturally be happy.

Do You know that when I saw X’s blouse, I felt as
if another person had made something more beautiful
than I had.

Mother, I know why I felt like that. Up to now I
have had in me a kind of pride in my work: “I make
finer things than anyone else here”, something like that.
And that is why when I saw something very beautiful
made by someone else, my pride received a good hard
blow. Isn’t that true? (Mother, here I recall a sentence I
once heard Y telling someone: “Mother knows how to
give blows.”)

I assure you that I do not deliberately give blows.

*

Mother, why are these silly things in me? I don’t want
them. They have been in me long enough. Now I don’t
want them. I shall not rest until You come into my heart
and live there eternally.

My Mother, give me purity and constancy in my
aspiration.

Certain conditions in us (and pride is one of them) automatically
invite blows from the surrounding circumstances. And it is up
to us to utilise these blows to make further progress.

You are right in wanting all this pettiness and stupidity to
disappear. I am fully with you in this determination and I am
sure that you will triumph.

31 January 1934

*

Mother,
Today I have nothing to write. As usual I worked
all day.

I hope that this new month will bring you the realisation you
desire: a happy calm, an invariable peace, a luminous silence.
Such is my wish and my blessing.

1 February 1934

*

Mother,

I shall capture You in my heart. I don’t need to think
of peace and happiness. When You dwell in our hearts,
these things are sure to be there.

You will not have to go far to seize me, for I am already in your
heart and as soon as your eyes are opened you will see me there;
turn your faculty of feeling inward instead of letting it project
outward, and you will feel my presence as concretely (even more
so) as you feel the cold and the heat.

2 February 1934

*

My beloved Mother,

You are already in my heart, it is true. But I don’t
know how to open my eyes; they are always open except
when I sleep.

I am speaking of your inner eyes, not the physical ones.

*

“Turn your faculty of feeling inward instead of letting it
project outward.” Mother, when I feel something I feel
it in my heart (and I think everyone feels in his heart).
I don’t know how to feel outward. I don’t understand
what You mean by “outward”.

I mean that instead of living in the perceptions of the sense-
organs, which are exclusively occupied with outward things,
you should concentrate in the inner being, which has a life
independent of the senses (sight, hearing, smell, taste, touch).

3 February 1934

*

Mother,

Why didn’t You return the letter to me (the one You
wrote to me) after I sent it to You this morning with my
letter?

I want to lie on Your lap, Mother.

Poor little one, I very gladly take you on my lap and cradle you
to my heart to soothe this heavy sorrow which has no cause
and to quell this great revolt which has no reason. Let me take
you in my arms, bathe you in my love and wipe away even the

memory of this unfortunate incident. I kept the letter to show it
to Sri Aurobindo along with your letter of this morning. I am
returning it to you in this notebook.

27 February 1934

*

No, my dear child, I am sure I didn’t tell you that you wanted
to hide something from me. When you started crying under the
pressure I was putting on you in meditation to calm the restlessness of your mind and vital, I thought that it might relieve you
to tell me the cause of your sorrow, and when you didn’t reply,
I simply asked whether you wanted to speak, so as not to insist
unnecessarily. You were mistaken if you thought I was showing
displeasure.

Unfortunately, for some time now you have closed up inside
yourself, and that is why I cannot help you as much as I would
like to.

Affectionately.

7 July 1934

*

My dear child, this is certainly a most unexpected way of interpreting this vision. I hadn’t given it that meaning at all. The
images in these visions are always symbolic and should be taken
as such.

The rocks represent the material nature, hard and inflexible
yet concealing in itself the stream of life. Because of the resistance
of matter, this stream of life is freed only with difficulty and can
hardly emerge into the light. But with a little concentration and
insistence, the resistance of matter lessens and the life-forces are
freed. This image applies to almost everyone, but in this case
it concerned you because you were present, and I took it as
a promise that your difficulties would give way and that you
would soon be able to emerge into a luminous, free and happy
consciousness.
With my love.

11 July 1934

*

Mother,

Ten yards of cloth cost 25 rupees, 15 annas — that
is, 2 rupees, 9 1/2 annas per yard. This evening X and
I dyed the big ten-yard piece. But it was not successful:
the dyeing is irregular: some places are dark and some
are pale. You will see it tomorrow morning.

My dear child, I didn’t reply at once because I wanted to see the
cloth first. There are irregularities, of course, but it seems to me
that they can be put right.

I don’t think it would be good to dye it again. It would become too dark. But we can take the irregularities as movements
of water and underline them with a fine gold thread; then it will
look as if it were done deliberately and it will be even lovelier.
Next time I see you, I shall show you exactly what I mean. Don’t
worry, it will be quite all right. You may start your work right
away.

6 September 1934

*

Mother,
Now I don ’t feel like doing the fishes. I shall do
them in five years.

I would rather start on the green sari with gold and
silver dragons, for 21 February 1935 — if You ask someone

to do the drawing. Because the green cloth and the
gold and silver thread are all ready.

I am disappointed, I cannot do the fishes now.

You can ask X if he would like to draw the dragons for you.

7 September 1934

*

You are my little child and you will always be my little child —
that is a sure fact.

But when little children prove to be unreasonable, it is very
difficult to reason with them. Now if you want me to tell you
what I think, it is this: Y has taken a lot of trouble and made
a very beautiful drawing, a beautiful piece of cloth has been
purchased at a cost of Rs. 30, you and Z have taken a great deal
of trouble to dye it, and I tell you that I have found a way of
utilising the irregularities of the dyeing to make a sari far more
beautiful than we had thought, and yet without considering you
write in a fit of bad temper: “I don’t want to do this sari any
more, I will do another one.” Naturally I thought that now I
would have to ask X to go to the trouble of making another
drawing, and if by chance another difficulty crops up, this little
child may once again say: “I am disappointed, I don’t want to
do this sari,” and X will have worked for nothing. That is why I
told you to ask him for the drawing yourself. He has just today
sent me the design of the crown with fishes. It is very, very pretty.
And if you want my opinion, I suggest that you first take up the
crown — it will set you going on the sari itself; and you will
see that everything will be all right, completely all right. I am
sending you the design of the crown.

With my love.

8 September 1934

*

Mother,

Last night when I went to bed at about 9:30, I felt a

sort of fear, as if someone were there or someone might

come. I shut my eyes and after a moment, in my sleep,

I felt a sort of fear. I opened my eyes, looked at the sky,
and then closed my eyes again. I saw something like a
cloud coming slowly and I opened my eyes...

My dear little smile,

You must not be afraid. If you see something that frightens
you or you have an unpleasant feeling, you must call me and the
thing will disappear. When you are awake, surely you are not
afraid of an approaching thunder-cloud; why should it frighten
you at night?

Put yourself in my arms without fear and be sure that nothing can harm you. My force and my protection are always with
you.

With my tender love.

18 June 1935

*

My dear little smile,
You are absolutely right, and I don’t see why, instead of reading

interesting things, you should start doing boring exercises.
To learn a language one must read, read, read — and talk as
much as one can.
With all my love.

10 July 1935

*

My dear little smile,
You have described your condition very well and since you
are so conscious of it, I feel that soon you will be able to master it.

It goes without saying that our help is always with you to
bring you peace and silence, and it is absolutely certain that
peace and silence will be established in you some day never to
leave you again.

Very affectionately.

8 August 1935

*

My dear little smile,

You are quite right. I much prefer a beautiful embroidered
sari to a lace gown. It is not a question of number or of need.
For years I was perfectly satisfied with two saris a year — but I
am proud of the beautiful things my dear children make for me
and I wear them with affection and joy.

My blessings and my love are always with you.

10 December 1935

*

Mother,

You told me that there is something closed in me
which isn’t open to You and this is why, even when I
want to feel Your love in my heart (which You say is
already there) I do not feel it. What is it that is closed?
My heart? Or something else? I don’t understand all this.

I want my heart to open to You and to feel Your love
there always. But if it is really closed, how can I open
it? What must I do to open it? For I really do want it to
open to You and I want to feel happy for ever.

My dear little smile,

I know of only one way: to give oneself — a complete consecration to the Divine. The more one gives oneself, the more
one opens; the more one opens, the more one receives; and in
the intimacy of this self-giving one can become conscious of the
inner Presence and the joy it brings.

Tender love from your mother.

25 July 1936

*

Mother,

I shall tell You frankly when I don’t feel happy: it is
when someone joyfully tells me about his beautiful and
happy experiences that I feel so poor; I feel then that I
do not yet have in me what I should have.

And I always ask You for silence and peace (as I
told You the other day) because I know that if one can
always keep that silence and peace one never feels poor
for any reason.

I don’t want to be, I don’t want to feel so poor.

You have already had this experience of peace and silent joy;
you know what it is and it is sure to come back stronger and
steadier. Remain confident, do not torment yourself — in this
way you will hasten its coming.

Tender love from your mother.

30 July 1936

*

Mother,

I find that I have lost everything. All that was good
in me, all is lost. Previously I always felt that all I did
was for You; in all the work I did, this feeling of “doing
it forYou” wasalways with me.

Now I find that I have lost this feeling.

My dear little child,

Are you aware of any cause for this change? Surely there is
one. Besides, these days when the Ashram is full of visitors,9
there is a great confusion which often brings a clouding of
the consciousness. You must not let this upset you too much,
but simply aspire with calm and perseverance for the light to
reappear. My love is always with you to help you go through
this bad moment.

Affectionately.

30 August 1936

*

The period around August 15, Sri Aurobindo’s birthday.


Mother,

Yes, I think I know the cause of this change. Isn’t

it the desire to be admired by people — ego? Or is it

something else? If You know, You will let me know. I

must know what it is in order to get rid of it.

Yes, my dear little child, you have indeed found the cause; and
weren’t you a little annoyed that I didn’t wear your embroidered
saris all these days? It is certainly not because I dislike wearing
them — quite the contrary. But they are rather heavy and warm
and I prefer to keep them for wearing between November and
January — at that time there are many visitors because of the
vacations and I shall then wear the embroidered saris with the
greatest pleasure since the season is a bit cooler.

It is true that you must get rid of these ignorant and petty
movements; but at the same time, you may be sure that I appreciate and love your work immensely. I have great admiration for
your embroidery, and for you, great love.

Your mother.

31 August 1936

*

My little “Eternal Smile”

Must go on smiling, smiling still more when the difficulties come. Smiles are like rays of the sun, they dissolve the
clouds... And if you want the radical remedy it lies in this:
frankness, be absolutely frank; tell me fully all that is going
on in you, and soon the cure will come, a complete and happy
cure.

To my little smile very affectionately.

6 September 1936

*

My child,

Don’t pretend to be silly when you are not. Not only was I
not angry, but I had not the slightest intention of looking angry.
I only looked straight into your soul, trying to reestablish
the connection between it and your exterior consciousness. And
I took your laughter for a sign of conversion!

Beware of false pride — it leads only to ruin. And do not
belittle the Divine’s love, because without it nothing is worth
living for.

I know that you are too sensible and sensitive to ignore this
truth.
Always lovingly.

6 September 1936

*

Bonne Fete!ˆ

To [my little smile] whose precious help prevents my feet from
being hurt by the stones on the way.
With my love and blessings that her aspiration may be
realised this year.

6 January 1963



The Mother

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